We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I wish there were birth control emojis
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
