i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
it glows. i had to have it.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
