my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
