So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
