I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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