Fuck appropriateness.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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