Pants 0. Shit 1.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
