I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
