i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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