Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
