i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
