PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
