i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
