He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
