I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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