They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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