I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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