so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
