I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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