I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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