i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
