I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
