my phone needs a breathalizer
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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