I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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