this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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