I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
