dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
