you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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