Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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