her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
