I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
