i would punch a child for taco bell
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
