Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
