I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
