i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
