Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
