Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
