My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
