also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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