Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
