You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
