Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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