She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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