im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
