sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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