I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
