FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
