the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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