I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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