guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
